I needed to listen, so I went to the loudest place I could find: Burning Man
I was flirting with an existential crisis: Trust had fallen from my pocket while speeding down the highway of life; and in the absence of Trust — Doubt and The Critic had slinked right on into the edges of my consciousness, inhabiting more and more real estate in my waking mind — bringing with them Self-Hatred. And I needed to know where this energy was coming from: was it mine? Or was it living in the collective unconscious?
I was facing Shame, Embarrassment, and the desire to crawl into a cave and hide was sounding more and more seductive.
Let’s just say I had gotten stuck in a party I wouldn’t want to invite you to.
So I went to Burning Man.
Sure, I could go to a therapist, head into the wilderness on solo vision quest, hire a personal coach, but let’s get real, Burning Man is just more fun.
It was time to find my magic — I needed to renengage that part of my life that felt alive with synergy and possibility — and I needed to locate that daring and courageous part of me that got me into this situation if I was going to get out of this situation.
[Insert obligatory explanation of Burning Man] Sure I was going for a mental/spiritual clearing, but there are as many ways to experience Burning Man as there are people who attend — some go to tune in, others go to tune out, some go for the art, others for the dance, some go for the networking, others for the healing, others to share and amplify their gifts, others for a great party, many for all of the above. I’ve gone for all of the reasons, last time I went, I gave workshops and talks 6 out of the 7 days. But this year I wasn’t going just for the party, or the schmoozing.
I was going for the temple — with a mission to dig in and clear out an energy that was eating away at my life force.
I often feel compelled to explain Burning Man — mostly as an attempt to unravel the mystery of it all — if you need an explanation that goes beyond the rave here you go: (How I got F*cked by Burning Man & Other Sacred Ceremonies & Partying for the Planet & Dancing for The Gods & Share Your Gifts at Burning Man)
14 Burns in… I experience the playa as the most magnificent place on Earth where the alchemy of art, wilderness, ravers, healers, space cowboys, and sparkle ponies converge in the name of an apparent accidental recreation of a tradition that lived in all ancient cultures: the festival that celebrates and expresses gratitude to the gods for Life itself.
The only difference is: in the ancient cultures everyone knew what they were going to. Not so in this case…Burning Man emerged directly out of the collective — and points to no one god, no one religion, no one way: it is perhaps one of the purest expressions of a globally co-creative expression when a blank canvas is provided. (It just happens to naturally engage many aspects of ancient ceremonies.)
I know I know — like everything on this planet — as big as its light, as big as its shadow, the event has a few problems. But I’m not here to discuss those… but rather to explore what can happen in a place that is dedicated to creative expression.
I’ll never forget the confusion of my first burn. We gathered around the man, and there was drumming, and fire dancing, and the energy experienced from being that close to a massive fire kicked up a cacophony of energy that ran wild across the playa all night long. A climax of sorts. But there was no one telling me what it meant.
So the ingredients for ceremony are there; rituals have emerged. Some seem obvious, such as when the sledgehammer that strikes The Golden Spike that marks the beginning of the Burning Man season and determines the geographic center of Black Rock City, and where the Man will be erected. There is Tutu Tuesdays, White Party Wednesdays, howling at the moon as the sun sets, watching the man burn on Saturday, radical self-expression, radical self-reliance, giving your gift, watching the temple burn on Sunday (and many more).
@dutchcreators
The festival is not new. They have been places of celebration in all ancient civilizations, and have historically served as an organized and contained place in time and space for hedonism and play, and were a place where the cycles of the seasons were honored through fully exalted expressions of life and honoring the gods.
Rituals are understood as giving meaning to the world by linking the past to the present and the present to the future. They provides us a way of linking our relationship with the material world to the spiritual world through repetition and practice.
The rituals of Burning Man have evolved over time, and continue through an oral tradition. There is no guidebook (or maybe there is and I just haven’t looked for it) that guides one about the rituals of Burning Man. You learn them through experience.
And then there is something else… and it’s weird and wonderful and woo to the woo while being totally cosmic… but while we are there, gathering as we do, we are essentially, through the gathering of our bodies filled with water, creating a temporary ocean in the desert. As oasis of sorts. And one of the things that we understand about water — is that it amplifies energy in the wide open desert. So this is a place of wild cosmic ridiculously big magic when you swirl together that many people who come together in the name of…. Creating, creativity, frolic, dance, joy, and magic.
I’ve come to experience Burning Man as one of the schools of life where I connect to nature, humanity, and art while receiving a fast track reflection about how I’m showing up in life. There’s nowhere to hide in the desert — and with non stop interacting with new and old friends, in a place where anything is possible….everything reveals. When are you willing to be courageous, and take a chance, when are you hiding out and avoiding? This can be a place to clear the muck and re-engage the parts of one’s essence that have become stagnant, or simply don’t have a place to exist in the everyday world.
But there is something else happening there that may explain the level of big magic that lives there…. The more I go, the more it feels like a place where we are healing one of the great imbalances of the planet: the cycle of giving and receiving.
Something real and tangible is happening inside of this energetic field that lacks consumerism. (I know. I gagged a little as I wrote that. I imagine your eyes are rolling as you tally up what you paid to go. As you imagine the prices paid for Burning Man couture. And, while creature comforts are enjoyed, you can go with just a tent, a cooler, and and a few pieces of clothing. And let’s not forget that Burning Man offers volunteer roles, scholarships, and that it’s a personal choice to spend what one spends on camping in the desert.)
To get to the point: all that spending happens outside of the gates.
Once inside the gates, the culture is one of giving.
So many of us are stuck in the trap of systems of consumerism and are in the take take take of this planet… and the playa has emerged to become a place where people go to be in the practice of give give giving….
And this much I know is true: when I give in this place: the implications are real, long lasting, and influence all aspects of life on and off the playa.
This year, it felt like people were compelled more than ever to give. I couldn’t walk down a street without people pleading for me to come in and eat their food, play with their games, receive their drinks, or handing me something they had made or designed.
It turned into a week-long practice of deciding whose gift I wanted to receive, and who I felt compelled to give to.
But I digress, because I was hoping against all odds, I could shake off what was bothering me in that dusty desert, and find a way into a new chapter of this grand story.
Rather than present on stages, I was going to do what I did in my early years, and take my gift into the playa to allow the winds of serendipity to determine where and how the gift would be given. My big plan was to spend a lot of time at the temple.
Day 1: Led to a dead end and pockets filled with dust and Doubt as I questioned everything.
Day 2: Same story. Full frontal bummer reality.
Day 3: I cried. (Don’t cry for my Argentina. I was at Burning Man after all. And I had it all, I was surrounded by dear friends. I was in a great camp drama free fun camp. But tears are par for the course.) My kind and compassionate campmates reminded me the name of the game: Surrender.
First few days all I could see were the Burning Man Barbie Dolls: hyper sexualized women who didn’t feel like they were in an act of radical self-expression, and I couldn’t stop wondering if they knew they were perpetuating the objectification & hyper sexualization of women. I kept getting nudged out of art pieces by people aggressively hogging the space while posing for their photos.
I lamented back to the days when you had to get a media pass to have a camera.
The Judge and The Critic were taking center stage in my consciousness. Magic was obviously busy playing on the other side of the playa. All I wanted was to step into the flow of life, to get back into relationship with Trust again, and to clear the gunk that was weighing me down.
So I went to 3 of John Wineland‘s workshops on relationships, intimacy and embodiment, was activated by Mama Gina’s ferocious approach to life, attended a sex magic workshop, and decided not to look for the 40 or so people I knew who were there, as Sandra, my campmate of many years, had deemed this year SURRENDER MAN, as the temperatures soared and the sand storms moved in for extended stays. There was only one way to go: surrender to the slow flow, ice foot baths, and seek nothing.
But the Comparing Mind was on me like white on rice. Everywhere I went I was haunted by the great times I had shared in previous years and was missing those old friends.
I have a favorite line from a book I’m writing, The Whale Dreamer, it comes from an elder whale commenting on how weird human’s relationship with time is, “You keep trying to be on Time, as if it is something you can step on and make stand still. We whales are IN Time, and allow it’s current to carry us.”
I wanted to ride on the current of life.
But it wasn’t happening.
It was time to fully embrace my Burning Man motto: Right Time Right Place: even when life is sucking — I’m in the right place at the right time for the greater journey. And the playa was providing the signs that divine order was in play, even if I hadn’t found the joy button, I had spontaneously run into the 3 people I see at every single burn, my cousin, Colin, Junai, and Trixie. I was in a flow state. It just wasn’t flowing me to what I wanted.
So I surrendered — to the grief, to the disappointment — to the inner conflict.
There is one hack that I know that guarantees a sure win on the playa:
GIVE.
If Magic wasn’t going to find me, I was going to find another way to meet the Magic I love.
So I did something I have never done before, with a deep desire to escape the self I no longer wanted to be, I engaged the ancient practice of engaging an archetype to allow another spirit to flow through — something practiced for centuries at festivals. Otherwise known as: I put on a blue wig, slipped into the ridiculous sequined light blue powder puff dress I picked up for $7 at a thrift store on the way in, dawned the tiara that had been gifted to me the night before, put on the silver moon boots, and went solo into the night, wondering what on earth this mermaid fluff ball was going to become.
But let’s get real, while I was dressed for the part, I didn’t feel the part.
First stop: the temple: a place where people from around the globe gather to do what they do in a place of worship. Absent of any one spiritual or religious dogma, it has emerged as a place where people come to honor those who have passed, and to release what is no longer theirs to carry.
Armed with a pen and paper, I found a spot to sit inside of one of the arms of the star temple, and thanks to the creative project that offered sound canceling headphones that silenced the beat of the EDM and played a live classical piano concert, I was transported into a serene peaceful environment while in the center of it all. I read the 4 page love letter from a couple who was uncoupling, and dug into the layers of shame, into the places where I was out of alignment, and found where the self-hatred was hiding. With nowhere to go and be but here, I dug deeper and found more — and deeper, and found more, until I found, against all odds, the original seed that had lodged in my consciousness. By the time I was complete, prayers were spoken out loud, songs of gratitude and commitments were offered, I had filled a small notebook of things that had been seen, named, and claimed for release. (and btw, f*ck off to the person who thought it was ok to photograph people in a personal process in the temple).
How was it that all of a sudden, after years of self exploration, I was suddenly able to see a story that was stealing parts of my life force — and get that energy back? Something more powerful than I had imagined was in play, there I was, with my intention to release, in a building the shape of a star, created with the intention to support such an act, along with 1000’s of other people intending to do the same thing…I was not acting alone, and the power of the collective intention was palpable.
Sure, I could tell you what I found.
But the point was to release it. If I spoke it here, everytime you would see or think of me, it would live with us. And I left it behind, to be burned. So there I left it. May my willingness to explore the blind spots inspire your willingness to explore the blind spots.
{Side note, this year’s temple was called Empyrean, and was designed by Laurence Renzo Verbeck. His website explains, “Empyrean represents the region just beyond our physical realm that is the highest center of wisdom, and the source of energy-consciousness. It’s at this highest point where one can interact with their own highest concept of the divine.
In ancient cosmologies, Empyrean is the realm of pure light that is believed to be the birthplace of fire. To the community, Empyrean Temple offers the healing properties of its central, eternal flame: reflection, resolution, release and renewal.
I didn’t know anything about the sacred geometry of the star I was laying my prayers for release into.
But this much I know is true: when I walked out of that temple I had something I didn’ realize I was seeking:
Full Permission To Be Alive.
Some of you know what I am talking about: you know what it is to not feel you have full permission to fully exist in this life you were given. You know what it is to walk around with apologies slipping from your tongue, clinging to your bones, each step hesitating with life itself. And some of you don’t.
I walked out of the temple walking differently, inhabiting my body differently, as if that part of me that had been acting as an understudy, waiting back stage, was finally allowed to enter the stage.
I was in full delight to be flying solo and was heading into deep playa, when I biked past a man weeping outside the temple.
Why would one human pass by another in obvious suffering without stopping?
So I turned around, and shared some time with this man, and with the Grief that he carried. He said the grief was just not going away.
I didn’t ask him his story, after all, I had just come from a powerful releasing ceremony that was all about putting down the story.
Following an impulse, I offered a my gift: a song for his heart.
He said yes.
We each grounded into the earth, felt our ancestors at our backs, and the song of his heart sang between us. We hugged, and his words stayed with me as I peddled into the darkness.
This is where I met Mark, out in the dark by the outer edges of the trash fence, when another song to the heart was offered, more ancestors were called upon. When the song was done, Mark blessed me, and blessed me, and blessed me some more. I had entered into the flow of giving and receiving. Mark took my hand in his as he threw our arms up and into the sky, our palms toward the stars, our hearts facing the city of black rock as we blasted love and blessings and gratitude to everyone on the playa. And then we hugged, and went our way.
@atabeystreasure on instagram
I hadn’t had this much fun at Burning Man in years. There was no need to find the best dance, or great party.
I had found the thing so many people come here to experience.. I was with Magic… and we were making joy, and love, and hilarity with every meeting that arrived in full service of sacred play.
I shared a slow dance with a fellow at the broken observatory as we lamented about how much simpler life was in the 50’s (when women knew their place was in the kitchen) and laughed till my belly hurt. We hugged, and went on our way.
I went into a full state of delight and cracked myself up as I ran up to people who were by themselves in the most remote places, pleading with them to forgive me for being late for our very important date, and that I, MAGIC, had finally arrived, and was here to align the will of the universe with the will of their desires. The shy introvert in me was on vacation, while this new unapologetically fun and playful persona emerged. We were in the center of heart medicine and were making love… with Magic.
I met a kind and gentle man, who when asked what he wanted, shared his desire for connection and intimacy. I sang to, with, and for his desire. We hugged, and went on our way.
When asked, not everyone knew the answer to what they wanted.
So we sat in the mystery and silence of a question unanswered.
The part of me that was always afraid I would overstay my welcome had disappeared as I plopped down next to Joe, who was serving… Joe (coffee and Baileys) at the darkest edge of the playa. I offered him and a few others the Dragon Love story.
And just before sunrise, as I stood in the farthest corner of the outer edges of the trash fence, trying to determine if I should find robot heart to dance the sun into the sky with, 4 art cars with horns pulled up beside me for a sunrise dance party.
New friends were made, old friends appeared, and a new day began.
But I was different.
The apology for living that had somehow gotten lodged into my consciousness was gone.
I had fully embodied this energy of Magic, and knew what it felt like to be the thing people were looking for as I lived inside and out what it was to arrive in 100% service of another’s heart, and what a wild and wonderful gift Life is — and that it is a gift to be shared generously.
I had entered into a new realm: shameless in my approach to inviting others into this dance with Magic… because I knew, in every sore bone in my feet, just how good it feels to accept Magic as your dance partner.
And that is a party I want to invite you to.
Of course the party didn’t end there. I continued to adventure with friends. All of my issues around connection and relationship continued to reveal. But I was humored and grateful for the time and space to see the patterns with such clarity.
On Saturday night, I headed with friends to the Temple to see what they had had placed in there, and to drop one more thing off. I couldn’t resist the urge to wander again into the night solo. But this time, I wanted to try a different energy on. I wanted to play with Trust.
I stepped out into the playa feeling at home in self-fulfillment and following the flow of where life wanted to lead me. I settled myself in front of a sculpture to truly examine and contemplate this work of art.
I had stopped in front of THE CUBE, a sculpture that people could go inside of, and whose outside was covered in symbols that changed colors. In the stillness, I was seeing how the changing of life can be a beautiful thing. I began to feel connected to the artist who created the piece, and feel the love that came through them as I contemplated my relationship to Change.
A woman sat beside me, and asked what I was feeling. So I told her everything I shared with you, and then she shared that she was Emerson, one of the artists who created this piece. In sheer delight, I invited her to pick a Soul Story Tarot Card. She shuffled the deck, and the Question Mark card revealed. She laughed as she told me she had a question mark tattooed on her body. So of course I offered her a song and a Soul Story in gratitude for her offering, and she offered me a drawing that symbolized what I was to her. She shared that the story divined just for her made complete sense, and represented a past life. Of course.
Wowed by our experience of serendipity and sharing, Emerson explained that for the first time she had come with her boyfriend, and that while she was having a great time, she’d told him she needed some time to wander solo on the playa — she been missing these sweet little magical moments of serendipitous connection; we agreed that these were the wild moments that conjures so much magic.
We went our ways, and only later, while researching her as I was writing this article, did I discover her intention to share love, and to create a place for self reflection.
I left that spot and landed at a fire in deep playa, making space for a cuddle puddle of strangers on my big red blanket. As we shared our names, one of the people’s name was Emerson #thingsyoucan’tmakeup. We each shared our wisdom. “It’s your game,” one woman shared. I can’t remember the others because a man shared the exact words at the right place right time that I need to anchor into my work. And I heard them.
The sun rise I loved to greet so much was nowhere in sight, but I was full, and ready for rest.
Burning Man has become so many things over the years, from play, discovery, exploring the mysteries with good friends, to networking, showcasing my work, and this year, in the flow of it all, a return to innocence.
Trust and I are beloveds again. (Turns out it was just a misunderstanding, I thought Trust jumped from my pocket, Trust thought I threw it out). And with Trust back in the house, Self-Love has returned, Grace has returned, Joy is the house DJ, and Patience and I are rekindling our relationship.
I am whole heartedly shameless in my approach to loving this life again, and having a fully embodied knowledge that Magic is not only in the stories that come through me, the events I produce, the courses I teach… but it is also available in the grocery line, while walking down the street, mine… and yours… Life and Presence is the gift.
Yes there is still work to do to get into the alignment I long for, but with Magic back at my side, everything feels possible. And what a true delight it is to have such a gift to share.
